Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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