please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
