you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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