there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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