Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
