just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
