she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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