I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
