saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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