Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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