if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
