Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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