Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
