i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
