my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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