WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
