Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
