the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
