so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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