i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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