Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
