pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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