Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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