I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
