The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
