dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
