Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
