Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
