do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
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His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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