it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We had to coat check the pizza.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
