Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
