and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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