Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
