if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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