bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
