im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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