you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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