i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
