god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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