Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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