I look better un-naked...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
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I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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