Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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