Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
