If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
