i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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