I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
