I will die if light touches me.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
