I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
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Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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