he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
