i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
