I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
