Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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