you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
