There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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