I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
