I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
